o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
