YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
It's rum buckets o'clock
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
