we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
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