So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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