i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
