The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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