hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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