I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
