State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
