I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
