He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
