I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
