You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
