just come out here and I will go home with you...
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
