when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I need a beard to bite.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
