see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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