when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
