my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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