Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
