my being single is dangerous.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
