someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
