You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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