Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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