Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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