I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
