Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
