it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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