Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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