I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I understand Curling. That high.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
