Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
