we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
