why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
