Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
