Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
