Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
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