I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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