Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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