my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
