Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
the day after is always just damage control
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
