i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
