The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
