i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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