I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Congratulations! We have a period
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
