apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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