i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
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