Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
