Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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