there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
