I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Randomize
