I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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