pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I'm getting married
To pizza
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
